2015 FLCX PreSeason Power Rankings:
It’s that time of year again, time to see who’s been training and who’s been eating cheesy bacon conch fritters. This weekend’s Veterans Memorial Park Cyclocross in lovely Hudson, FL is the first race of the 2015 FLCX season, meaing it’s time for us to take a look at the movers and the shakers and the bakers and the farmer and his daughters. I sort of got lost halfway through that sentence, it’s been a while since I wrote anything, it might take a bit to work through the cobwebs, sorry.
Anyway, it being the first week of racing, and it being before Labor Day, we have precious few ways to truly divine who is hot and who is not. I mean, we could guess, based on USA Cycling/Cross-Results.com race predictors, but as I understand it the jury is still out on statistics and data. So we will be basing our predictions this week based upon who has been facebooking the hardest this summer. And by “our” I mean “mine”, since Tim Hayes is too busy making The Slow Ride Podcast to help me with the Power Rankings this week.
You are probably asking “How does one facebook harder than another person, Carlqvist?” and the answer to that should be plain once the list is revealed, which it will in another paragraph or two.
These rankings are 100% officially unofficial, infallible, unquestionably questionable, and obviously 1000% accurate. If you disagree, you’re probably wrong. If you are angry that you weren’t mentioned, or angry that you were mentioned, we suggest that you take a deep breath and remember that we’re totally kidding about pretty much everything we say here. This is for your amusement as much as ours, and when I say ours, I mean every one of you. As always, please, no wagering.
1. Ryan Woodall (Top Gear / MuMu) | Pro1/2, SS | Last Rank: 1
Ryan will be wearing the US National Champion’s jersey in all the master’s races he does this year, I think, so he automatically is number one in this listing, and number one in our hearts. Maybe he’ll get to wear it in Pro12, too, but I don’t determine when he gets to wear it, so don’t hassle me if I’m wrong. In anycase, Ryan has been facebooking pretty hard this summer, posting pictures of his swole ass neck and also some cows and a couple of fancy new CX bikes.
2. Mattheu Pourbaix (Trek Travel / PRCX) | Cat 4? | Last Rank: NA
Beardo has been KILLING Facebook this summer with completely ridiculous photographs of himself climbing all of the classic Euro climbs. He is the breathing definition of living the cyclist’s dream. If he doesn’t tear everyone’s legs off once he actually shows up to race, I will be hugely disappointed in him. Don’t let me down, Pourbaix.
3. Graham Partain (Swift Cycles) | Masters35, Cat 3 | Last Rank: NA
Every single one of you needs to say “Thank You for all your hard work, Graham”. While you were training or drinking or playing with your kids or walking your dog, Graham was doing all of the behind the scenes stuff that has to get done to make FLCX happen. Races and point series just don’t happen in a vacuum, someone has to orgainize that stuff and for the past couple of years, that person has been Graham. In addition, CrossCopter.com.
4. Jonathan Bicycle (South Florida Internet Warriors) | Cat 3 | Last Rank: NA
Jonathan has posted a picture that looks a lot like this at least 36 times this summer, meaning he is going to go faster than hell in a straight line this season. He will probably still not be able to turn, however, so he will suffer mightily anytime there are more turns than straightaways, so course designers, you know what to do. Jonathan has also been just about the most active person on the entire FLCX facebook, and for that he gets his recognition.
TIE 5. Pete Miner (Swift Cycles) | Masters45 / SS | Last Rank: NA
TIE 5. Pendulum JoAn (Swift Cycles) | Women’s Cat 4 | Last Rank: NA
These two. In addition to being disgustingly happily in love with each other, they have been riding their bikes a ton this summer, at least according to their facebooks. Both on the road as well as around Gainesville, they’ve been all kissy-faced with each other off the bike and shredding the gnar on the bike. And they are such great people you can’t even really get mad at them.
7. John Will Tenney (KBS/Brew Club of Seminole County) | Cat 4/5 / MTB | Last Rank: NA
John will be the first one to tell you he’s not the fastest guy on his bike, and I will be the second, because it’s fun to needle the people who have fun needling you. John’s internet game has been strong this summer, however, brewing beer and cider and cheering on the rabble rousers both politically and in the FLCX group. We’d be nowhere as a nation and as a Facebook group without dissent, and John is an expert at walking up to the line and not crossing over it.
8. Rotive Xela (Colavita S Florida) | Masters | Last Rank: NA
I don’t think anyone has traveled as much as Vitor has this year, but something tells me he’ll still be faster than most of us. The above pic is from Portugal, and if I’m reading his FB right, he’s in Bangalore right now. Do they have CX in India?
9. Kate Adams (RND Racing / Liv) | W123 | Last Rank: NA
Kate has been doing a bunch of women’s clinics and training camps, in addition to her various farming duties:
Glenna S. Roberts pssssttt boy ducks have a penis. you can look in the vent,
Kate Adams I know it’s in there somewhere but I don’t really want to go looking for it.
With that said, look for some serious crushing this year both on the internets and on her CX bike.
10. Alex Hutchinson (One Cog Warrior) | SS M4/5 | Last Rank: NA
Alex is rocking the internet so hard that he has his own website to keep track of all his rocking. Check it out! Go ahead, I’ll wait, and we’re almost done here. Alex came on the scene last year, and has steadily progressed into one of our more consistent chroniclers of our silly antics. His trademark ponytail provides him with power, in much the same way my huge beard helped me out last season.
We See You: Rich Dybdahl, Josh Thornton, Zach Fout, Ted Hollander, Kristin Apotsos, all the parents of all the juniors
We’ll be back next week with a race recap and the first REAL power rankings of the season based on actual racing, not just me sitting here drinking Not Your Father’s Root Beer and making stuff up.
Have fun, race hard, stay hydrated, and don’t take it too serious.